It Was the Year We Took Back What Was Ours
by 88Ivories
Summary: The continuing adventures of Sam and Dean and Jen that began in "It Was the Year of Fire" - the trio are now in Season 5, and they have to deal with guilt, brotherly love and stubborness, oh, and a little thing called Lucifer. Expect angst, tears, and all the feels.
1. Sympathy for the Devil

**Wow, it has been a while! I've been kind of busy with life. Crazy. Anyway, the entirety of 2016 has made me want to get back into writing, a little for the escape, a little for the irony. Anyway - here's what you should know:**

 **If you've read my stories before, I thank you and feel free to skip right to the story. If you are just joining us or would like a refresher, let me give you some introduction:**

 **If you prefer to avoid spoilers and would like to read what happened previously on your own, please check out my stories It Was the Year of Fire (season 1), It Was the Year of Great Sadness (season 2), It Was the Year of Pain (season 3), and It Was the Year of Rebirth (season 4) to read about how Sam and Dean's world is a little different when Sam's best friend from Stanford, Jen, ends up along for the ride. She's not much for ghost hunting exactly, but she's always there when someone needs a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. There's more than that going on with her, but I don't want to give anything away if you are going to read those. However, if you prefer to get a quick summary on Jen and just start reading, I'll direct you to the bottom of this chapter for more information first.**

 **If you want to dive right in:**

* * *

[The motel]

Things had been so intense after Lucifer had risen and some mysterious force had saved Sam and Dean that they had barely had time to process it all, much less talk about it. It didn't help that Dean seemed entirely uninterested in even trying to discuss the fact that it was indeed Sam that broke the final seal. Sam was so overcome with guilt that he could barely focus on anything else. That's why he had to tell Bobby. He couldn't just hold it all in anymore.

He was not expecting the reaction that he got, though. Sam had never seen Bobby that angry about anything. He didn't know what to do, so he left. He said he was going to go do some research, but he just couldn't. He barely got a hundred feet out of the motel room and the tears were pushing at his eyes. The only thing he wanted to do was to call Jen, but he had barely spoken to her in weeks. He couldn't even be sure she was listening.

"Anytime you want me, Sam." Her voice drifted into his ears as he thought about her. Sam looked up and there was Jen, standing in front of him.

Sam didn't even think about where he was or who was watching. He nearly ran to her, wrapping his arms around her.

"Jen … I … it's my fault …" Sam tried to speak but his voice and body shook as tears began to slide down his cheeks.

Jen squeezed him tightly and whispered in his ear. "Shh, hold on, Sam. Relax, just for a moment."

Sam heard her words in his head, and he knew that she was using her persuasive abilities on him because he did relax, and the tears held off. She let go of him, and led him around the corner, out of the way, and to a bench where they both sat down.

"Okay." Jen said, releasing her hold on Sam's emotions. The tears began to spill over once again, and Sam leaned his head down into his hands.

"You were right … about Ruby. Dean was too. Fuck! I should have listened." The guilt was settling like a pit in his stomach, but Sam felt like he deserved all this pain. The apocalypse was his fault, and he had to deal with that.

"It's not your fault. There were so many factors, so many forces, you couldn't have done it alone, and I'm not sure you alone could have stopped it from happening."

Sam shook his head and felt himself begin to shake as Jen put her hands on his shoulders. She gently nudged him up toward her, and he wrapped his arms around her body and squeezed hard. He knew he could without hurting her. For a moment, he just held on. He knew that Jen was the only one in the world who wouldn't blame him for what happened, up to and including himself. He still couldn't believe Bobby's reaction. This was Bobby, who had accepted everything up until now. How could he say those things to Sam?

Jen spoke, responding to Sam's train of thought. "I can't read Bobby, you know. I don't know what he really thinks about everything."

Sam tried to respond, or nod, or something, but he couldn't seem to. Jen just whispered, "shhh," in his ear again, and he squeezed her more tightly yet again.

Sam tried to focus. He knew they had work to do. They had to track down Lucifer and figure out how to kill him. He soon had calmed himself down and sat up away from Jen, wiping his face off.

"I'm not sure what to do. I want to …"

"Wait!" Jen suddenly exclaimed, putting her hand up toward him and listening, though Sam heard nothing. Sam looked at her confused. She almost sounded alarmed. Then she stood up quickly. "You have to go back, now!"

Sam didn't ask. He didn't need to ask, the tone of her voice made it clear that it was an emergency. Sam bolted back to the room. He only hoped he was in time for whatever it was.

* * *

[Later]

Sam stared at Dean as he entered the Impala. He said he didn't trust Sam anymore, didn't trust his own brother. The sad part was that Sam could completely understand, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The light wavered in front of Sam as he stood there and, then, Jen was standing in front of him. She reached to his face.

"Wait here for me?" She asked. Sam nodded. She disappeared again, and Sam could see her in the car talking with Dean. They spoke for a moment, hugged, and then she was back. "Let's take the scenic route home." Jen began walking away. The Impala's engine roared. Sam hesitated for a moment and then followed Jen. He glanced behind after a few steps to see the Impala's taillights in the distance.

"I wish I could take it all back. I really do." Sam said, shoving his hands in his pockets as they walked.

"It's not worth dwelling on past events, only creating new ones in the future."

"But I started the apocalypse! I can't just forget that, and neither can Dean." Sam felt his voice tremble and he blinked back tears.

"No, Dean can't forget, but he will do what he needs to get the job done."

Sam couldn't understand how Jen was so blasé about the apocalypse. "Even Dean said that he expects us to lose! How is that getting the job done?" Sam stopped walking as his breath caught in his throat. He swallowed hard as a tear slid down his cheek. Jen turned to face him and caught the tear with her thumb.

"Listen to me, Sam." Sam locked eyes with Jen as she spoke and he knew that she was inside his head, but he allowed her to continue without fighting.

"I don't want to diminish what you are dealing with, because I know how terrible you feel, but the constant self-deprecation is going to get in the way of your life, and especially hunting, unless you actively find some way to deal with it."

That did not make Sam feel better, hearing Jen's no nonsense explanation, but he didn't know what to say. Fortunately, Jen didn't give him a chance. She stepped forward and took Sam's hands in hers. He looked at her through the layer of tears that held in his eyes without falling. Jen spoke again, more gently this time.

"I want to help you, Sam, and I will always be here for you, but you need to try and be here for your fellow hunters by not focusing on this. It was not your fault, but you can help stop it. We need you to help stop it."

"I don't know what to do." Sam's voice was only a whisper, but he blinked and held the tears back. For the first time, since Dean died, Sam felt completely helpless.

"You will figure it out. You always do, Sam." Jen's eyes gave Sam that tiny sparkle of a smile, and he felt a little better just knowing she had some confidence in him. Someone had to.

Jen let go of Sam's hands and reached up to wrap her arms around him. Sam suddenly felt relieved about everything, even though he knew the feeling was fleeting. He grabbed Jen and held her tight in return. Tears filled his eyes again, but he wanted to hold them back, be strong, like Jen asked.

"It's okay." Her voice whispered in his ear. "Right now, it's okay." Her permission was all he needed, and he let the tears fall, rubbing them out into his best friend's shoulder. He repeated to himself the same thing Jen had told him: it wasn't his fault. He didn't believe it yet, but he knew that he had to keep trying. It didn't take long, and soon his eyes dried, and he pulled himself up, giving Jen a thankful half-smile.

Jen smiled back, then began walking away. Sam caught up quickly. "Aren't we a few miles away from the motel?" Sam asked.

Jen shrugged. "Sometimes, the scenic route is more about the mental journey and less about the physical one."

Sam had no idea what she meant, so he remained silent and kept walking. Jen so often spoke in riddles that he had learned not to worry about it. He wasn't even sure where they were, as he had just blindly followed Jen when she took off. Suddenly, she turned a corner and there, just about halfway down the block was the motel. Sam froze for a moment.

"But … weren't we just …?"

Jen turned to Sam and smiled. "Goddess."

Sam shook his head: never a dull moment in his life. Never.

* * *

[Earlier, before Dean left]

Dean knew that he was going to hurt Sam, but he couldn't try to act normal, not about this. It was too big, and there was too much going on, and Sam wanting to try and talk about it all the time wasn't really making it better. So, hey, if this got him to shut up, then at least he accomplished that. Still, he felt terrible, especially seeing Sam's face right after telling him that he couldn't trust him. That's why he went to the car, so he didn't have to look. He wasn't surprised to see Jen a moment later.

"It's the truth. I couldn't keep it from him." Dean tried to explain.

"I know." Jen's response was simple, almost too simple. It didn't make Dean feel any better. "You go on back. Sam and I will catch up in a bit."

Dean was glad Sam had Jen. Dean was glad Sam was talking to Jen again. Of course, for her it was easy to jump right back in. She could actually hear what was in Sam's head. For Dean, it wasn't that simple. He gave Jen a hug and let her go with Sam. He went back to the motel room alone. Well, him and a few shots of whiskey. Whiskey could take the edge off almost anything. Almost.

Jen and Sam returned about half an hour later, and Sam seemed, well, at least better than before. Sam pretty much went right to bed. Dean wasn't quite ready to sleep yet. Jen had sat down in a chair with a book. It reminded Dean of simpler times. He sighed and looked over at her.

"What are you reading?"

"The Waves by Virginia Woolf."

"Is it good?"

"Yes, it is quite good."

"What's it about?"

"It is about the weaving of individuals together as one community and one consciousness." She raised her eyebrows and spoke pointedly at Dean. He understood. Jen has always hated to see the brothers fight, and Dean had just made it clear that working together with Sam was not going to work the way it used to. Dean scoffed and turned away from Jen, glancing at his brother, snoring lightly in bed. He hesitated, wondering how asleep Sam was.

"He won't hear, and he won't wake up." Jen spoke carefully.

Dean sighed. "I still love the kid you know, nothing can change that. He knows that, too, right?"

"You aren't exactly making it easy to see right now."

"Well, I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" Dean's volume increased, but he caught himself and backed down again. "I can't just pretend Sam never did those things. I can barely even look at him without thinking about what happened, and I don't know how to stop the apocalypse."

"It's not about stopping the apocalypse." Jen spoke softly and simply.

Dean had no idea what to make of her statement. Did she not understand what was at stake here? What was her goal, her endgame? Sometimes, she was still such a mystery to Dean. He stared at her for a long moment. She must have heard his confusion, because she spoke again.

"Everything is connected, even the small pieces. Remember that. No one can stop the apocalypse alone."

Dean sighed. Her words echoed things she had told him before, over and over again. It was still hard for him to see those pieces, those connections, especially this time. He felt completely alone. They were abandoned by God. Bobby was stuck in bed. He couldn't even trust his own brother. He looked at Jen.

"Right now, I'm not sure any of those connections are helping me." Dean looked over at Sam again, thinking about everything that happened. "I've actually been wondering lately if maybe this one is our biggest liability right now. I worry more about Sam than I do about everything else."

Jen's eyebrows pulled together tightly. "You need Sam, Dean."

"Why? I mean, seriously, how's that been working out lately? How do I know he won't run off to the next demon with 'the answer' or fall off the demon blood wagon? Sure, he's a good hunter, but I'm just not sure."

Dean was almost surprising himself with how strongly he felt about this. Dean turned and looked right into Jen's eyes. He could tell that she completely disagreed with him. She was always unhappy when him and Sam were apart, though he hadn't ever really understood why. He knew they had always been a team, but this was more than the team could handle. Or, at least, more than his half could handle. Dean spoke again.

"I just think that this time, we might need more space than usual."

Jen's eyes continued to plead with him though her voice remained steady. "Just try for a while, for me."

Dean couldn't just completely refuse Jen. She had been right so many times.

"Alright. I will try. For you."

Jen smiled at him. It was only a little smile, but it still gave Dean that tiniest bit of reassurance that they could actually survive this. He decided to ask Jen anyway, knowing he was unlikely to get a real answer.

"Do you think we really can stop the apocalypse?"

"I think that you can do anything you put your mind to."

Dean sighed. He wished he had her confidence in himself. Still, at least someone did, right?

Jen reached over and squeezed Dean's hand tightly. "Go to sleep now." She spoke aloud, but the words whispered inside of Dean's head, and he could feel his eyes get heavy. He yawned.

"Yeah, yeah." He mumbled as he drifted off.

* * *

 **Let me tell you about Jen.**

 **Sam met Jen at Stanford, and they became quick and close friends, even best friends (as much as Sam could be with someone). She was also close with Jess, and roomed with the two of them near the end. However, she wasn't there by mere coincidence. Jen is an Earth Spirit or benevolent Goddess, and part of a contingent of similar beings that watch human events, and give personal aid and advice, but never interfere in conflicts and never kill. Jen was assigned to the Winchesters many years ago when Mary made her original deal, but after spending so much time with them, the three have become even closer than friends as she can hear their most intimate thoughts, if they allow her to. For a long time they didn't know Jen was anything special or different, but she revealed herself at the end of Season 2 to try and talk Dean out of his deal, which, as we know, didn't work. Jen has helped Dean deal with the memories of Hell, and nearly lost Sam to Ruby, but now has a chance to get him back and try to help heal the bond between the brothers. She knows it's necessary if they are going to defeat the devil.**


	2. Good God, Y'all

[Tag]

Dean remained at the picnic table, watching his brother get into someone's truck and drive away. Jen appeared across from him, but he didn't want to talk to her. He knew her feelings on the subject. For a long moment she just stared at him, and he looked away. Finally he turned toward her.

He wished he hadn't. She wasn't angry, and she didn't look like she was going to read him the riot act for agreeing with Sam. She just looked sad: sadder than Dean had ever seen her. He had to explain. She had to understand.

"This is the best thing to do. We clearly can't work together right now. He needs to be on his own. Plus, you'll be there for him, right? I don't think I could have let him go if I thought he would really be alone."

Jen spoke very quietly.

"If I'm there for him, then how can I be here for you?"

Dean turned his head away again, and looked out at the line of cars pulling away.

"I'll be fine. I'm always fine. You should know that by now. Plus, this was Sam's decision. He brought it up. He knows what he needs to do."

"Or he brought it up because he knew it was what you thought was best."

 _Dammit Jen. No. That couldn't be the reason. Sam seemed certain, so he must have thought it through._

Dean looked back at Jen, holding his own with her stare. "This is the way it has to be."

"I wish I could convince you that you're wrong, but I can't, can I? Not now anyway."

Dean's voice was steady and certain. "No, you can't." Hell, he almost completely convinced himself.

"Just, be careful who you push away, Dean. You never know who'll be most important to you in the end."

Dean's face scrunched up in confusion, but before he could even form a question, Jen was gone. Dean sighed. The people were nearly gone, leaving just him and his Baby. He got up from the table slowly. He had work to do.

* * *

[Later, Somewhere away from Dean]

Sam parked the car he had bought with the pool money from last week in the parking lot of the dingy motel and went inside to get a room. The exchange of money for lodging was quick and simple, and done without pleasantries or personal information. Sam tossed his bag over his shoulder, and went looking for the room that matched the A12 on the key.

He found the room, turned the key with a small jiggle, and entered the dark space. He found a light switch and revealed the two queens with green floral quilts. He walked across the room to the far bed: his bed. He dropped his bag on the floor and sat on the bed, staring across the expanse of the room at the empty bed near the door.

"Oh, shit." Sam spoke aloud, dropping his head into his hands as the weight of everything sank through him like lead settling in his gut. He shut his eyes as tears filled them. _No._ He couldn't fall apart now. This was his chance to prove he could do this on his own. He had to be strong. He wanted this. He told Dean it was for the best.

Sam picked up his head and tried to breathe slowly, deeply, but still, all he could think about was the bed across from him, empty, again, this time, by his choice. _Should've asked for a king._ Still, instinct took over. It always did. He never adjusted when Dean was in Hell either. They only had a king bed when Ruby procured the room. Sam realized quickly that this battle with himself was going to be over soon. Sam, 0, Sam's-over-emotional-reactions, 1. _Fuck._

"I seem to recall that just a few weeks after you moved in with Jess and I, she went away for a week on some Habitat for Humanity adventure, and you fell asleep on the couch every night because you couldn't stand to sleep in the bed alone." Jen's voice appeared before she did, and as she spoke, she slowly sat down beside Sam, placing her hand on his back. "I'm kind of glad to know that not much has really changed."

Sam sniffed and swallowed hard. He opened his eyes, and a few tears slipped out, but he brushed them away. "And I recall you sitting up with me every night until I did fall asleep."

Jen smiled. "See? Just like old times … just, slightly different circumstances."

Sam shut his eyes again as he thought about the current situation. His own brother pretty much said that he couldn't hunt effectively when Sam was around, so Sam just took the initiative himself and left. He couldn't hunt right now anyway. There was just too much to deal with. Hunting meant demons, and demons meant blood. Plus, he would never be the same type of hunter he was on demon blood. Sam couldn't trust himself, why would he expect more out of Dean?

Although, at that thought, a sob finally broke out and he realized that he did expect more from Dean. Dean was supposed to be his big brother. He was supposed to be there for Sam, but not this time.

Sam hadn't even noticed Jen wrap her arms around him, and once he did, he turned toward her and held her tightly. The pain of everything just seemed to shatter inside of him, and the tears refused to stop falling.

Jen sat holding him silently, doing what she did best: giving Sam a grounding point, something solid to grab onto when everything else seemed to be slipping away. She seemed to know that nothing she could have said would change anything. Sam knew she was against him leaving, but she wouldn't tell him that. He knew that he had to do this. He had to get his head straight, and the only way to do that was to get away from hunting, away from everything.

He remained holding onto Jen after the tears had stopped, but he did pull himself up soon after. He looked at Jen, still remaining silent. Then Jen stood up and walked over to the table between the beds and picked something up. She pulled herself up on the other bed, then pulled out the remote she had taken and flipped on the television.

"So, just like old times? I can always use some late night tv."

Sam found himself smiling at Jen, at least, a little bit. He sat back on his bed and looked over at the television.

"Yeah, I can handle that."

Maybe he wouldn't sleep, but at least he would be in good company.


	3. Free To Be You and Me

[Sam's motel room, opening]

Jess had vanished, and Sam sat up in shock looking around. He was wide awake, and was convinced that he had been awake throughout the conversation with Jess. He hadn't seen Jess, even in pictures, in years, and the sudden rush of emotion hit him surprisingly hard. He instinctively pulled his knees to his chest beneath the blankets as tears began to stream down his cheeks. He squeezed his legs tightly, breathing in raggedly as he began to shake. His breath out wasn't any more steady, and the sharp outrush of air quickly turned into small sobs.

Within moments, Jen appeared at Sam's side, arm wrapped around his shoulders. Sam allowed himself to fall into Jen's embrace, no longer trying to stop the tears, and for a while, he just let go while she silently supported him. When he began to calm down, Jen spoke quietly to him.

"Sam? What happened?"

Sam was surprised to hear such a question from her. Jen always knew what was happening, sometimes even before Sam knew, but her confusion was clearly genuine.

"I … I saw Jess." Sam didn't want to talk further, but he recalled the situation clearly, hoping that it would reach Jen this time.

She nodded. "Okay, I see it now. How strange, I felt nothing from you until just a few minutes ago, after what you saw."

Sam's eyebrows scrunched together. "But … why would that happen?" Sam wasn't sure what was happening exactly, but he knew that he didn't like the sound of it.

"I'm not sure." Jen responded simply. That didn't really make Sam feel better. Jen continued quickly. "That may not mean anything. I just didn't hear you. Maybe part of you didn't want me to know." Jen raised her eyebrows at Sam with a sly up and down look.

Sam looked down and realized that he was sitting in bed with no shirt on. He shrugged. "I guess I wasn't really expecting company."

Jen smiled at him. "I changed your diaper when you were six months old. I don't think you have anything to worry about."

Sam smiled for a split second, but the evening's events still spun out in his mind. "What if it was Jess and what if she's right? What if there is something dark in me? What if I am cursed?" Tears filled Sam's eyes again at the thoughts. This was why he left, right? He's too dangerous to be close to anybody, even his own brother.

"There's no such thing as cursed." Jen replied, squeezing Sam tight once again. "The future can always be changed. You do have choices. You just have to believe it."

Sam shut his eyes, though the tears slipped out anyway, and held tight to Jen, trying to believe her. Trying. Jen began to sing.

 _Up on the watershed, staring at the fork in the road  
_ _You can stand there and agonize, 'til your agony's your heaviest load  
_ _Never fly as the crow flies, get used to a country mile  
_ _When you're learning to face, the path at your pace, every choice is worth your while._

Sam focused on Jen's voice, and soon was asleep in her arms. She lay him carefully back down on the pillow. For a moment, she stopped and looked at him. Her expression was puzzled. Then, she was gone. Sam didn't see Jess again … at least, not that night.

* * *

[Tag, Back in Sam's room]

Sam was still in disbelief over his conversation with Lucifer. He couldn't be the vessel. He just couldn't. He felt sick, but he couldn't move. He could just barely whisper her name.

"Jen?"

He took a ragged breath as tears fell down his cheeks and he tried again, nearly shouting this time.

"Jen!"

Suddenly, there she was, inches from his face.

"Sam?" She asked, placing her hand to his cheek and wiping his tears with her thumb.

Sam looked right at her.

"He said … he said I was the vessel … that I'm Lucifer's vessel." He barely spoke the words before a sob choked through, and Jen quickly wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly.

"Oh, Sam. I'm sorry."

He grabbed her as well, hoping it was all a dream, but knowing it wasn't. It couldn't possibly be true, could it? What must Sam have done to be so terrible that Lucifer would want him for a vessel? He just didn't understand. Jen's voice echoed in his head.

 _You didn't do anything, Sam. It's complex; it's lineage and manipulation. You didn't do anything wrong._

Sam couldn't believe her. He did plenty wrong, and he knew it, and now it was all coming back for him. He began to cry harder, burying his face between Jen's shoulder and his arm. His thoughts were directed with ire towards the fallen angel.

 _I won't do it. I won't ever do it. I won't say "yes." I won't._

Jen replied.

 _You have a strong will, Sam. I believe you._

Jen's omnipresent, unwavering confidence helped some, and Sam's initial fears began to wane and he soon felt himself calming down. He stood up and looked at Jen.

"I have to call Dean. I have to get back in. I have to fight this, fight Lucifer. You'll help me, right?"

Sam's mind raced with the realities that this development brought. It changed the whole game, and Dean would see that. At least, he hoped Dean would see. He knew that Dean thought it was better to be apart, but this was new. This would change things.

Jen's expression was impossible to read and she spoke simply.

"I'll do what I can."

Sam looked at Jen carefully for a moment. "Thanks."

Jen nodded at him and slowly vanished. Sam looked around him and then grabbed clothes to get dressed. There was a lot to do.


	4. The End

[Dean's motel]

As Dean shut the phone, he also shut his eyes, forcing back the tears that were trying to crawl their way through. This was the right decision. He and Sam together always created trouble, and now that trouble would just be worse.

He felt her hands on his shoulders.

"Dean …"

Dean shook his head. "Please, don't. It was the right decision. I know you disagree, but you don't see this war the way I do. We simply can't be together right now. I'm not sure when we can be."

"Sam needs you, Dean, and you need him."

"Right now, I think Sam probably needs you more than me." Dean knew that Sam wasn't happy with the idea of not getting back together. He could only imagine what it must have been like for Sam to find out that he was Lucifer's vessel. Dean wasn't exactly thrilled when he learned he was Michael's vessel, and Michael was supposed to be the good guy. Still, knowing that in some strange way your body "belonged" to another being was disconcerting to say the least and felt like a complete invasion of internal privacy at worst.

Jen was hesitating. Dean knew he had to be convincing and serious. "Go, be with Sam."

Jen leaned in close to speak right into Dean's ear. "Don't push me away when you need me the most."

Then, the pressure lifted from Dean's shoulders and he felt alone in the room again. She was gone, as requested. He would be okay. He didn't need her right now. What he needed right now was sleep. He could deal with it all later. Later.

* * *

[Across the Country]

Sam couldn't believe that Dean told him not to come. How could he fight Lucifer by himself? His eyes filled with tears, and he pulled over to the side of the road. At first he was still calm, the disbelief of the situation shocking him into stillness. Quickly, though, the shock faded and the anger and pain at being turned away by his brother took over as the tears began to fall down his cheeks. A hand moved involuntarily to his mouth to stifle a sob.

That's when Jen reappeared, arms already wrapping around Sam. He reached up and gripped her arm.

"He hates me, doesn't he?" Sam managed to eke out a whisper. Jen's arms tightened around him quickly.

"Never, Sam. He really thinks this is the right thing." Another sob broke through, and Sam turned to Jen, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing his forehead against her shoulder. Sam didn't believe her. How could he? After what he did, he couldn't even fault Dean for not wanting to be around him. It still hurt like a son-of-a-bitch, but Sam's blame was squarely on himself.

Jen had stopped talking, and for a little while, she just held Sam tightly. Maybe she knew that Sam wasn't exactly going to hear her at that point anyway, or maybe she just hadn't figured out what to say. It didn't matter. Just her being there was enough for Sam to slowly pull himself back together.

He eventually sat back against the seat and rubbed his eyes and temples. "I just don't know if I can do this on my own."

Jen smiled at Sam, and then punched his arm lightly. "Hey! I'm still here." Her tone was light, and Sam knew she wasn't really offended.

Sam looked at her sadly. As much as it helped having Jen around, there was little she could do against Lucifer, and they both knew it. The only thing Sam could do was to hope that either he had the strength to fend off Lucifer, a long shot in Sam's mind, or that Dean would come to his senses.

Jen reached over and squeezed Sam's hand. He squeezed hers back and tried to breathe slowly and calmly.

"You can do it, Sam. You can."

At least somebody believed in him. That would have to be enough for now.

* * *

[After the episode]

Jen reached the meeting place ahead of Sam. Dean was already outside waiting. Jen made her entrance with a swirl of wind around him and he looked up just as she appeared. For a moment, they just looked at each other silently. Then, Dean tilted his head at her.

"What?" He asked carefully.

Jen could no longer hold herself back. She beamed at Dean and threw her arms around him in a hug. He lightly held her in return.

"Thank you." She whispered in his ear just before letting go again.

She stood away again, still smiling widely at Dean. He looked at her as if he hadn't seen her in ages. She tried to get a read on him, but his thoughts were so unfocused that she thought it might be easier to ask.

"What happened, Dean?"

Then she got it, a flash of Sam as Lucifer's vessel. Then, from before that, Dean, talking to himself in the future.

 _"And … Jen?"_

 _Future Dean stopped for a moment and looked away. Then he shook his head and let out a long breath. "I pushed her away." He looked like he wanted to say more, but he didn't. Then, he cleared his throat and started moving again._

Jen looked at Dean. She knew that Zachariah was cruel, but to put Dean through that must have been torturous. She took a step toward Dean and cupped her hand around his chin.

"I won't leave you."

Dean nodded at her, though she could see the tears in his eyes.

"I know."

She stepped away again. She knew that Dean didn't want to discuss this here, now, not with Sam on his way. He did have one question though.

"Is that, I mean, is what I saw, umm … what are the chances of that happening anyway?"

The fear in Dean's eyes was obvious even without Jen's ability to feel his thoughts. Fortunately, she could give him an answer that would help.

"You may only have one past, but you have infinite futures. Everything can be changed by even the smallest differences. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here. Everyone can still be saved."

Dean let out an audible sigh of relief.

"Thank you."

Jen smiled. "Of course."

A car engine roared toward them. Sam was here. Her boys were together again. Jen couldn't stop smiling.


	5. Fallen Idols

[The motel]

Sam couldn't sleep. He wasn't sure if it was the fact that he was just attacked by Ghandi or if it was the fact that Dean still didn't trust him and insisted upon making that apparent. It didn't matter, he felt like crap, and he couldn't sleep.

When he was living alone, he could just get up in the middle of the night and turn on the television or work on the computer, but Dean was asleep and the last thing Sam wanted was to wake him. He couldn't just lie here in bed, however, so he quietly got up and pulled his clothes and shoes on and slipped outside.

It was raining out, but the overhang kept Sam dry as he walked a few doors down and sat on an old, wooden bench. For a moment, he just thought about everything from the last day. Then, he saw a figure coming toward him across the parking lot. She was walking through the rain, but her clothes appeared completely dry. It had to be Jen.

"Mind if I join you?" She asked as she reached Sam.

"Of course not." Sam nodded beside him, and she sat. Sam sighed. "I'm not sure if I can do this. Dean is treating me like a kid. I know I said that I wanted to get back together, but, he's making me doubt myself even more than Lucifer."

Tears filled Sam's eyes, and he leaned back and squished them shut. Jen's arm slid around his shoulders and gave a quick squeeze. Sam blinked his eyes open again and quickly brushed away the moisture that had collected beneath them. He turned to Jen, giving her a half-smile.

"You want to talk to Dean for me?"

Jen's eyebrow raise in response was sufficient. Sam knew that she wouldn't, or more accurately, that coming from her Dean was unlikely to listen. Sam was going to actually need to confront his brother, which was not something he was looking forward to. On top of that, another thought had been laying just below the surface for a while, and as it popped into Sam's thoughts again, the tightness in his chest and burning in his eyes worsened again.

"Does he really blame me, Jen? For starting the apocalypse." The words were barely more than a whisper, but Sam knew that he would fall apart if he spoke louder.

"Yes and No. He still blames you less than you blame yourself, and he blames himself for it as well. So, you can see it's complicated for him."

Sam knew he hadn't wanted to hear the answer to that question, but he also knew that if he asked, Jen would answer. It certainly didn't make him feel any better, and he leaned forward, elbows on his knees, thinking about her words. He blinked and tears slid down his cheeks, but he quickly brushed them off. He wasn't sure what made him feel worse, his own feelings of guilt or knowing how his brother felt. Jen spoke again.

"Deep down, he knows it's not your fault." He felt Jen's hand on his back. "At least one of you does."

Sam sighed. He knew that was directed at him. He couldn't give this up to fate like Jen wanted. He killed Lillith using his powers, and he had to take that responsibility. Hell, he was trying to take responsibility, but Dean kept trying to steal it back and knock him down again. Just like when they were kids. That was the one thing about Ruby. She never doubted Sam, never told him not to try. Of course, she had ulterior motives, but still, that felt good. That's probably why he stayed with her over Dean.

 _Explain it like that._ Jen's voice drifted through Sam's thoughts.

Sam shifted a second. He still sometimes forgot that she was always listening.

"Okay." Sam responded. "I guess the next time it comes up, I'll say something."

"Good." Jen responded. Sam still felt nervous about the whole situation, but he had to do something, and something with Jen's backing was the best he was going to get. He turned to Jen and held her tightly. He let a few more tears and about a half of a sob escape into her embrace before the calm of her touch finally set in. She whispered her final words into his ear, half a suggestion, half an order.

"Go to sleep, Sam."

* * *

[Later, in Leshi's lair]

Dean's head was swimming and he could barely open his eyes. He appeared to be tied to a tree, and he thought he saw Sam on the tree beside him. He couldn't see Leshi, but he could hear her talking to herself.

"Finally get to do the ritual. So excited about the ritual. Mmmmm, these are going to be tasty, tasty boys."

Suddenly she stopped and looked toward Dean. He quickly shut his eyes and tried to hold limp. Leshi began speaking again.

"Who's there? Who's entered my domain?" There was a silent pause and then a rustle next to Dean. Leshi voice rang out. "Ceibhfhionn? Is that you?"

"Hello, Leshi." The calm response was a voice Dean could not mistake: Jen. He was confused though, what had Leshi just called her? Kay-vun?

"Why, I haven't seen you in what, almost 1000 years? Are you still with that guy …"

"No, that ended. I'm just here to tell you that you are going to lose. You should probably just leave, now. Let this town go back to normal." Jen's voice moved away from Dean, though Leshi's got closer, as if they were circling.

"Why? What are these boys going to do to me? They were dumb enough to start the apocalypse and dumb enough to get caught by me. I think I'm going to enjoy my dinner tonight, thank you anyway."

"This was just a courtesy. If you choose not to listen, then I wish you well, and will almost certainly never see you again. Enjoy your last moments on earth."

A sound that could only be described as a hiss came out of the location Dean imagined was Leshi. He couldn't imagine Jen hissing anyway. He pulled an eyelid open just in time to see Leshi throw the ax right at Jen who standing across the clearing. Dean almost cried out, but Jen vanished as the ax slammed into the tree behind her, sticking.

Jen appeared to be gone, but her voice called out once more.

"You never grew up, did you."

For a moment there was silence. Then Leshi started moving about and mumbling to herself again. Then he heard Sam begin to stir. Dean knew they had to take this crazy God down, if only to prove Jen right. He opened his eyes and looked over at Leshi. He was ready for this.


	6. I Believe the Children Are Our Future

[The motel]

"… he might make the right choice." Sam pleaded with Castiel. For a moment, Castiel was still, but then, he spoke again.

"You didn't. And I can't take that chance."

Jen could remain hidden no longer at Castiel's biting words. She appeared behind Sam glaring at the angel with obvious ire in her eyes. He caught her stare and she sent a silent message as loud and clear as she could to him. Do NOT hurt my boys. Castiel froze for a moment, obviously hearing her, but then he vanished.

"Damn it." Sam sighed. Jen felt the sting of how much Castiel had hurt Sam in that short moment, and she moved quickly to counter it. She reached up and squeezed Sam's shoulder. His guilt, typically always there below the surface, was harsh to her touch, and she pulled it away and tried to soften the pain. Sam relaxed quickly. She heard him think about her appearance, wondering how long she was there.

"Long enough." She replied to his thoughts aloud.

The moment of remembering over, Sam snapped back to his hunter's instincts. "We have to go. We have to try and stop Cas."

Jen retracted her hand, but it had already had the intended effect. "Then go, but I think you'll find Jesse is more capable then you might expect."

"Maybe, but I don't want to risk it." Dean was already out the door, and Sam on his heels. Jen watched them go, though she knew that she would need to remain near this time.

* * *

[Later, Jesse's room]

Jesse stared at the poster over his bed.

"Hello Jesse."

Jen spoke carefully, and Jesse spun around to look at her. He cocked his head at her thoughtfully. She couldn't hear him, but she could tell that he was completely calm even at her sudden appearance.

"I don't know you." He said to Jen simply.

"No, you don't." She replied. "I'm Sam and Dean's friend."

"But you're not human."

"No, I'm not."

Jesse was still eyeing Jen, but now he took a step toward her and reached out to touch Jen's skirt. She bent down in front of Jesse and held out her hand. He placed his little hand on hers. For a moment, their hands sat together, and then Jen's became wavy and nearly transparent and Jesse's hand fell down again.

"What are you?"

Jen stood back up and created a halo of white around her.

"Some call me a spirit of the Earth, others call me a Goddess. I am part of the energy that you feel all around you."

Jesse seemed to understand. Then his brow crinkled and he frowned.

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to be safe and happy." Jen spoke confidently, and she could tell that Jesse knew she was telling the truth.

"But, they said that people will always be after me, and I might hurt people, and I don't want to hurt anybody."

Jesse suddenly looked terribly upset, like he might start crying. Jen sat on the bed and put her hands out toward the boy.

"Come here, Jesse."

He walked toward her and took her hands.

"They are right, there are those that will always want to find you and hurt you, and it's true that you have an incredible power. However, there are others, like me, who aren't afraid of your power and can protect you. You can go anywhere in the world you want, and we will be with you. The only thing is that you can't tell anyone where you are going, and you can't come back here again."

"What about my parents?"

"We can give them a message. We can make sure they understand."

Jesse hesitated, but Jen could tell that he was listening and considering her ideas.

"Would you stay with me?"

Jen smiled. "Oh, no, I need to stay with Sam and Dean. Don't worry, though, those who will be with you are my friends. You can trust them."

Jesse stayed thoughtful for a while, and Jen waited patiently. Finally, Jesse nodded his head at Jen.

"Okay. Can I go there?" Jesse let go of Jen's hands and pointed at the poster.

"Yup, that would be fine."

"How?"

Jen stood up and turned to face the poster, placing her hand on Jesse's back.

"Look, think hard about where you want to go, and imagine yourself there."

Jesse looked up at her. "That's it?"

"That's it."

Jesse turned back toward the poster and stared at it. Jen leaned down and whispered.

"Now, shut your eyes and imagine you're there."

Jesse shut his eyes, and seconds later he was gone. Jen smiled, and then she was gone as well.

* * *

[Later, In the Impala]

"The more I think about it...the more I wish Dad had lied to us." Dean concluded.

Sam responded, feeling more defeated from this case than he would have expected. "Yeah, me too."

For a moment there was silence in the car. Then, Jen's voice interrupted their thoughts.

"Jesse will be okay."

Sam spun around in his seat to look at Jen sitting calmly now in the backseat.

"How can you know? After everything we said, and the way he just disappeared."

"He didn't actually just disappear. I spoke with him."

"You what?" Sam and Dean responded nearly in unison, and Dean spun in his seat briefly, nearly pulling the Impala off the road. He quickly corrected, but looked up into the rearview mirror to try and catch Jen's eye. She answered them.

"Since the child is part-human, it was decided that our involvement was acceptable. Jesse understands what he can do, and he understands what's at stake. We'll also be watching over him. Jesse will not be alone."

Dean refocused on driving, but Sam was still left wondering.

"But, you were watching over us, and terrible things still happened."

Jen paused a moment.

"You're right. We can't control everything, but I believe Jesse can do this. It's also true that he knows what's at stake, which we couldn't do for you two. Would it have changed things? I'm not sure. No one can know about the past, all we can do is focus on the present and hope it impacts the future. Jesse is good for right now, and the Angels and you two are safe. That's all I can ask."

Sam listened to her talk, and realized that his thoughts really had drifted off Jesse and instead were on his own issues. He recalled what Cas had told him earlier that day, and started thinking about the decisions he had made, most of them leading him to trouble. Tears filled his eyes, and the corner of his mouth twitched up as he blinked hard to keep them at bay.

He felt Jen's arms come over the seat and wrap around his shoulders and chest in a way that she hadn't done in years. Not since the months following Jess's death.

"You can't change the past, Sam." She whispered to him. "You made it here, now, and you helped that boy make a difficult decision. That's what matters."

A tear slid down Sam's cheek, and he let it fall. He reached his hand up to hold onto Jen's arms, and she squeezed him even more tightly.

Dean had been religiously watching the road while Jen spoke to Sam, but took a moment to mumble to himself.

"Too goddamn quiet in here." Then he reached over and turned up the music. Metallica pumped through the speakers. A kind of relief washed over Sam, followed by the same feelings of guilt from before.

Sam took a sharp inhale and shut his eyes as a few more tears slid down his cheeks. Jen held on quietly, though a soft, "shhh," whispered inside Sam's ears.

 _Why do I feel like I've ruined yet another life?_ Sam directed his thoughts to Jen.

 _What you actually did was save many, many lives._ Jen responded confidently.

Sam took another deep breath in trying to believe Jen. He was regaining control, even though he still felt bad. Hey, if Jen believed everything was okay, that had to at least be somewhat true, right.

He could tell that Jen was following his thought process, because she began to loosen her grip and pull back so that her hands were now just on his shoulders. Sam opened his eyes, drying now, and swept his fingers around their edges. Jen squeezed his shoulders and spoke into his ear.

"Okay, for now?"

Sam nodded. "Yeah, okay, for now."

For now would have to do.


	7. The Curious Case of Dean Winchester

[Tag, the motel]

Sam hurried out of the room, still kind of in shock over the whole case. He came dangerously close to losing both Bobby and Dean in the last 24 hours. Now, knowing they were safe, the gravity of the situation began to finally hit him. Tears were blurring his vision as he reached the car, and his hand shook so much he couldn't get the key into the lock.

Fortunately, he felt a hand touch his shoulder, and a wave of calm began to wash over him.

"Everyone's okay. It's over now." Jen's voice was soothing in his ear, and Sam let out a sigh as he stopped trying the lock and just leaned against the car, squeezing his eyes shut and pressing his forehead into his arm. He tried to breathe deeply, but couldn't seem to stop the breaths from catching. Jen's arm looped over his shoulders and squeezed briefly.

"How about I drive?" She asked.

Sam picked up his head, brushing tears from beneath his eyes, and nodded in the affirmative. He walked around the car, and Jen got into the driver's seat. Sam hadn't even realized that she'd taken the keys out of his hand until he saw them in the ignition. She pulled out, and Sam finally began to relax again. He looked over at Jen.

"That wasn't just luck, was it?" He asked.

Jen's eyes flashed in his direction, a sly look that he knew was a confirmation.

"Not entirely, no."

"I had a feeling. I don't suppose you're going to tell me what happened."

"Just remember that sometimes luck is having the right kind of friend nearby."

A vague Jen response, yeah, that's about par for the course. Sam had been shocked to see the four of a kind, but as soon as he did, he knew what he had to do. Sam may never have been great at poker, but at least he could bluff.

They neared the office, but Sam had one more concern that he had to deal with.

"Will Bobby be okay?" He was nervous asking. He could understand Bobby's frame of mind with everything that had happened, but Bobby really was their only family left, and he couldn't imagine losing him. It didn't help that Sam still felt guilty about not being there. Maybe he could have stopped it.

Jen sighed, but responded quickly. "Yes, Bobby will be okay. I think I'm going to drop in on him a bit more often, bake a cake or something, you know. I can't read him unless he lets me, but I can be a friend. So, no worries."

Jen swung the car into an open parking space and turned it off. Then she turned to Sam before he could move, grasping his hand.

"Sam. There was nothing you could do. Even if you had gotten back, there was no guarantee things would have turned out better, and they could have been worse. You know that."

Jen looked right into Sam's eyes as he spoke, holding his gaze. His eyes filled with tears again. He nodded at her statement.

"It's just ..." A tear slid down his cheek. "I can't lose them, Jen. I just can't."

Jen dropped his hand and wrapped her arms around him, and Sam held her for a few moments, burying his face into her shoulder.

"I still believe you can do this." Jen spoke with confidence.

Sam listened to her words, finally took some deep breathes, and rubbed his cheeks on her shirt one final time before sitting up.

Jen smiled at him and placed her hand on his cheek.

"Don't forget. I'm always here." Then, she slowly vanished.

Sam sighed just once more, then grabbed the keys and headed inside.


	8. Changing Channels

[The warehouse at the end]

Dean stood with one hand on the fire alarm, ready to pull it, when her voice rang out through the room.

"Wait!"

Jen was the last person Dean was expecting to show up here, especially with an angel involved. He turned and there she was, although Dean was shocked at what he saw. Jen was dressed in a white Celtic style dress that fell down to her ankles, and her hair fell long against her back. She walked toward Gabriel, and he watched her come toward him. Dean could see the recognition in his face. They clearly knew each other, and it seemed like more than just in passing.

Jen kept walking and stepped through the flames without them touching her dress. She stepped right up Gabriel and cupped his chin in her hand. For a moment the two looked into each other's eyes, and then Jen leaned forward and their lips met in a kiss.

Dean's jaw nearly dropped to the floor. He didn't need to look around to know that Sam and Cas must have had similar expressions on. What could that mean?

* * *

[Immediately]

Jen knew that her appearance would shock Sam and Dean, but she had to speak with Gabriel, and she wanted them to hear what she had to say.

Gabriel accepted her kiss easily, and for a moment she allowed herself to get lost in his gaze, but she quickly remembered her mission. She spoke quietly, but made certain that Sam, Dean, and Castiel would hear her words.

"I told you it wouldn't work, they wouldn't change their minds."

Gabriel shrugged at Jen. "So you did."

"You don't really want them to play their parts anyway. That would mean one of your brothers would have to kill the other. You don't really want to lose either of your brothers."

Gabriel shifted uncomfortably and turned away from Jen's gaze."Fine. Fine, you're right. I don't want that, but I don't see another choice other than to keep watching them bicker and slowly destroy the world in the process."

Gabriel was still angry, but his eyes betrayed the deeper sadness that Jen had always been able to see in him, and she knew that her words were breaking through.

"There can be another way. We may not know what it is yet, but if anyone can find another way, it's these boys, and you know that."

Gabriel met Jen's eyes again. "I suppose I do."

Jen could see a plea in Gabriel's eyes, but she held her stare against him. Then, he reached out and grabbed her hands. He whispered to her.

"Come back to me, Ceibhfhionn. I need you. I always did."

Jen shook her head. "These boys need me more. This mission is too important. We could save so many lives. My attentions cannot be divided."

Gabriel dropped Jen's hands, but maintained his gaze into her eyes. "I know."

Jen softened, and she stepped in to cup his cheek in her palm again. "I still love you, Gabriel, but you need to forgive your family and yourself before you can truly love again." She leaned in further and dropped her voice to a whisper, cutting off her words from the remainder of the room. "These brothers have learned some hard lessons about forgiveness, perhaps they can teach your brothers."

Gabriel's eyes filled with tears, but his expression remained solid so only Jen could see the emotion. He responded almost silently to her. "I can only hope."

Jen leaned forward again to kiss her Gabriel once more, and this time she also opened up sprinklers above them. The water poured down on the two of them putting out the flames. The kiss ended, and the circle was broken. Gabriel looked at Jen once more, and then disappeared.

Jen stopped the water, though she always remained dry, then she walked over to Sam, Dean, and Castiel who were still clearly agape at Jen and Gabriel's conversation.

Dean was the first to regain coherence. "You?" He pointed at Jen and then toward where Gabriel had been. "And … and him?"

Jen nodded. "For almost 500 years."

Sam took a step toward Jen. "Wait … so, did you know the other times? With the mystery spot?"

Jen nodded. She could tell that Sam was angry about that, but she would have to deal with it later. She had to let this revelation settle first. They would understand, just not yet.

"You need to go, and so do I."

Jen didn't wait for a response, she simply vanished.

* * *

[Later]

"We should just call her and make her explain it to us!" Sam nearly shouted at his brother across the motel room.

"It's Jen. You know she'll come when she thinks it's time." Dean sighed and looked back at the computer.

Sam knew his brother was right, but he was confused, and angry, and wanted answers now. He opened his mouth to argue back again when a wind gusted around him. That was her. He looked back and forth, and as he expected, Jen appeared in the middle of the room, back in current clothing, slacks and a shirt. She spoke before Sam could.

"I'm here now, and I imagine you have questions."

"You could say that!" Sam was aware at the loudness of his voice, but he didn't care. He simply couldn't get over what he had seen and his attempt to reconcile that with their other encounters with the Trickster, or Gabriel, or whatever his name is. Sam knew that he and Jen had never had romantic feelings for each other, but oddly enough, he almost felt cheated on not knowing about this. "Let's start with the details of you and … him."

"Okay." Jen took a seat on the bed and gestured for Sam to sit across from her. He did so, reluctantly. "We met almost 2000 years ago after he left Heaven because he was unhappy. We were lovers for nearly 500 years, and then the Catholics destroyed my village in Ireland. I got angry and took it out on him, and we never really fully recovered from that. Prior to him meeting up with you two, we hadn't spoken in a thousand years."

Dean jumped in when Jen finished, standing up from the chair and coming around to the other edge of the bed Sam was sitting on.

"You told me about that, about your village being destroyed."

Jen nodded. "Yes, I did."

Now, Sam started thinking back to conversation they had a long time ago. "And I think you told me about him once. You called him an ex-boyfriend, and said that he was a prankster."

Jen nodded again. "That was definitely true."

Dean was shaking his head. "I can't believe you dated the Trickster."

"Gabriel." Jen corrected. Sam looked over at her, but Dean responded first. "That's even worse! I mean, you dated an Angel, an Archangel even! How does that happen? You don't even like Angels … oh."

Dean made the connection, and Sam just a moment behind.

"That's it, isn't it." Sam spoke quietly. "That's why you don't like Angels."

Jen sighed. "That's part of it. I heard too many stories about what happened, and how things went. Gabriel was terribly unhappy with his family, so maybe I got a biased view, but it's what I got. Then, the Catholics and their destruction of Ireland, really, a lot of little things just added up."

Now, it was Dean who spoke quietly. "But, you still love him."

Jen smiled and nodded. "I think a part of me always will."

Dean seemed satisfied, but Sam still had unanswered questions.

"Okay, okay, now let's go to the part where you knew who he was and we didn't."

Jen began quickly. "Well, the first time you met him, he was still undercover and so was I. You didn't even know I wasn't human, so I certainly couldn't say anything."

"But he could have killed us!" Sam jumped to his feet. Jen remained still in her spot.

"I knew he wouldn't. He knew who you were. He knew I was with you, and he knew about your destiny."

Now, Sam was pacing back and forth between the beds. "What about the second time? When he kept killing Dean?" The words caught in Sam's throat for a second and tears stung at his eyes. He hoped no one noticed, but clearly he was wrong because he felt Dean's hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, why don't you sit back down." Dean's voice was half an order and half concerned, but Sam knew that he was right, so he sat again, trying to breathe slowly and not get angry at his friend again.

"Yes, I knew about that. You have to understand though, those were difficult circumstances. First of all, we both knew what could happen down the road, and Sam, you were in such terrible denial about Dean's deal. We knew this was going to be temporary, it was like an alternate reality, and he promised to return you to your reality at the end. Second, Gabriel was going to do something, and he wasn't going to let me interfere, so I worked with him. Believe me, it probably would have been worse or gone on much longer without my influence. I want you to know, though, how hard that was to watch you go through that and not be allowed to help."

Sam looked at Jen, and could see that she truly meant that. For a moment, Sam just stared at Jen and really let the whole thing sink in: his best friend, in love with an Angel, who was the Trickster. She really couldn't have told them anything. Would they even have believed it? This time too, what could she have done? Castiel kept being kicked out, Sam could only imagine that Gabriel would do the same to Jen. Part of Sam will always wish he never had to experience the Mystery Spot, but now he could see that Jen couldn't have stopped it.

Dean's voice broke up Sam's thoughts, and his hand once again squeezed Sam's shoulder.

"You okay, Sammy?"

That's when Sam realized that his eyes had filled with tears and two had tracked down his cheeks. Sam reached up and wiped them away.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

Jen stood up and slowly walked over and sat on the other side of Sam. She looked right at Sam, and he at her.

"I'm sorry I couldn't tell you earlier."

Sam couldn't dismiss her sincerity, nor the fact that her eyes were pleading with him to forgive her. He pressed his lips together to keep his chin from trembling, and then he gave in and grabbed his best friend in a hug, letting tears slide down his cheeks. She wrapped her arms around him as well.

 _I'm sorry, too, Jen._ Sam thought.

 _Thank you._ Her voice echoed in his head.

Sam only held on a moment, and then let go and wiped his cheeks off. Dean broke the silence.

"So, we're all okay here? We can be done with the chick flick stuff?"

Sam turned to his brother and playfully punched him in the arm. "Jerk."

Dean stood up, rubbing the spot. "Bitch."

Yeah, everything pretty much was okay. For now.


	9. Abandon All Hope

[After the hellhounds attacked, inside the building]

How did everything go completely to shit so fast? Dean didn't even want to look at Jo, he knew it was bad. The last time he did look, her guts were pretty much falling out. Sam would take care of it, and he thought he saw Jen show up as well as soon as they got indoors.

What the fuck were they going to do now? First thing, first, call Bobby. How? Dean scanned the room. Bingo, an old radio. He headed over and started tinkering with the wires.

"Hey Dean." Jen's voice came up behind Dean just before her hand touched his back. Dean didn't look at Jen, he just kept working on the radio.

"It's bad, isn't it?" He said, focusing on his task and not on the tears that tried to fill his eyes before he pushed them back.

"Yes, it's bad."

Jen didn't parse words with Dean, a trait he had always appreciated, until right this moment. _Dammit_! And he had been worried about Sam. Didn't even want Sam to come, but Jen gave him the evil eye something awful about it, so, Sam came. Now, Sam was fine, but Jo was probably not going to make it. _Fuck_.

"Is there anything you can do?"

"I asked her if she wanted help with the pain, but she told me no. That's it."

"Well, I'll get in touch with Bobby, and we'll work out a plan. We'll get her out of here."

Jen's hand remained against Dean's back, but she was quiet now. Dean couldn't imagine losing Jo, so he had to imagine getting her out. It was all he could do. Suddenly, the radio crackled.

"Got it!"

Jen's hand dropped away. "You talk to Bobby. I'll head back with Jo."

Dean switched to the right frequency and began to call "K C 5 Fox Delta Oscar, come in."

* * *

[Just outside the building]

Sam and Dean ran. Behind them, the building exploded, and they both paused to look. The immediate shock, knowing that Ellen and Jo were gone, was almost overwhelming. Then her voice snapped them out of it.

"Sam, Dean, you need to go, now." Jen's voice echoed through their heads, her touch pulling them back on the path to Lucifer.

They turned and continued. They had to make this count.

* * *

[Tag, back at Bobby's house]

Bobby tossed the picture on the fire and everyone watched it burn in silence. Even Jen slowly appeared to join the memorial, though she stood apart, behind Bobby's chair. No one wanted to speak.

Sam couldn't keep Lucifer's words from creeping from the back of his mind toward the front as they stared. Of course he was angry. Why wouldn't he be? Still, he wasn't angry at Dean, not anymore. He was angry with Lucifer for creating this mess, for killing his friends.

The picture was nearly gone, and the crushing sadness of the loss began to pierce through the stoic silence of the hunter's remembrance. As tears filled Sam's eyes, he turned away and headed up the stairs to the boys room. They had swapped out Bobby's upstairs bedroom and the guest bedroom soon after the accident. Sam was glad. Right now, he just wanted to be away from everyone else. Well, nearly everyone.

The tears did not hold out until he reached the room, and he sniffed as he brushed them away to see his way to the far bed. He nearly fell onto the bed, clutching the pillow to his head, curling up toward the wall as sobs began to shake his shoulders.

He felt Jen's presence beside him almost immediately, and her hand began to run up and down his shoulder. She hummed gently. He knew the melody, but couldn't place it. He tried to focus on the sound and not the pain. It didn't really work: still hurt like a bitch.

At some point, Sam's sobbing hit a lull, and he pulled himself up to sitting, back against the wall at the head of the bed, legs pulled in tightly to his body. Jen found her way next to Sam, draping her arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand. Why is he doing this? Why do our friends have to die?" Sam whispered just before the next small sob shook his body.

Jen didn't answer. Sam didn't expect her to. She just wrapped her other arm around him and pulled him toward her. Sam leaned on her shoulder, and she bent her head down to touch his. He shut his eyes and tried to feel Jen's positive energy around him, though it seemed that nothing would stop the flow of tears.

Soon, he heard Jen whisper to him. "Sleep, Sam." He was exhausted, and her command went directly to his subconscious as the fatigue began to overtake him. She gently lifted her head and eased Sam down onto the bed. He clutched the pillow again, but only a few more tears escaped before he finally fell unconscious, a short freedom from the pain.

* * *

[Immediately After, downstairs]

Dean tipped back another shot of whiskey as he waited for Jen in the kitchen. He wasn't sure if this was his third or fourth. He wondered how many it would take to actually dull the terrible ache. Part of him was pretty sure that was impossible.

Then, he heard her footsteps, quiet but audible, coming down the stairs. He paused, whiskey bottle in hand. She appeared and walked over to him.

"Can I get one of those?" Jen nodded at the bottle. Dean dutifully poured and handed Jen the shot. She downed it quickly and placed it next to her on the counter, clearly out of reach of Dean. Dean placed the whiskey on the counter as well, feeling like he was running in slow motion, watching every muscle move.

Then, suddenly, the slow motion was over, and the next few moments moved so quickly that he could barely remember what happened. Jen's arms were around him, and tears were pouring down his cheeks, sobs muffled into her shoulder.

For the first time in a while, Dean had absolutely no idea where they were going to go next. The Colt couldn't kill Lucifer, so what could? How could they save the world when they couldn't even save their friends?

"You'll keep researching. You'll find something. You always do."

Jen's voice was confident, but Dean's uncertainty was winning out. But … there had to be something if Jen said that. She wouldn't put that out there if there was no other recourse. Dean tried to grasp hold of that tiny kernel.

Still, they had lost Jo and Ellen, and that simply wasn't fair. They were good people, good hunters. Once again, Dean gets to live, and those around him fall. This world did nothing but shit on him, and yet, he kept fighting for it. Sometimes, Dean wasn't sure it was worth it.

Jen began to sing.

 _I don't know where I'm going, but I sure know where I've been_  
 _Hanging on the promises in the songs of yesterday_  
 _And I've made up my mind_  
 _I ain't wasting no more time_

Dean picked up his head, wiped his eyes, and looked at Jen.

"Seriously? Whitesnake?" His lips cracked up in a half a grin.

"Made you smile, didn't I?"

Jen snapped her fingers, and Bobby's radio crackled to life as Whitesnake played through the speakers.

 _Though I keep searching for an answer_  
 _I never seem to find what I'm looking for_  
 _Oh Lord, I pray you give me strength to carry on_  
 _'Cause I know what it means_  
 _To walk along the lonely street of dreams_

Dean leaned back against the counter and shut his eyes, listening to the music. As the drums came in, he snapped his head in time.

 _Here I go again on my own …_

Jen moved next to Dean and put her arm around his shoulders. Sure, the song was cheesy, and it was hair metal, but something about the words was hitting home pretty hard, and Dean found tears in his eyes once again as it played. Jen squeezed his shoulder and he leaned towards her, both silently listening.

When the music ended, Dean opened his eyes, swiping at the few remaining tears.

"Okay, I think I get your point."

"Good, because you don't want me to pull out the Journey."

Dean chuckled for the second time during a night where he didn't think that would be possible, and turned to Jen, giving her a hug.

"It still hurts like shit." He said.

"It'll do that." Jen responded. They pulled apart, and she looked at him critically. "You going to get some sleep?"

Dean pursed his lips and nodded. "Sure, right after I grab another shot of this whiskey." Dean knew that sleep wasn't exactly something he was expecting, and that Jen wasn't thrilled with the whiskey-sleep-aid, but she wouldn't stop him.

Jen sighed, but relented. "Goodnight, Dean."

Then she was gone.

Soon, so was the whiskey.


	10. Sam, Interrupted

Sam got up early, and, surprisingly enough, Dean was still sleeping. Sam was still thinking about what the wraith had said to him and what Dean had. "Bury it" Ha. It's not like that actually worked for Dean, so why the fuck would it work for Sam. Sam had to get out. He grabbed his jacket and the Impala keys and quietly headed out the door. He sat in the driver's seat of the car, placing the keys in the ignition. He thought about where to go.

He came up blank.

Her voice rang through the air.

"We could just stay here instead."

Sam turned to see Jen materialize in the seat beside him. She smiled at him, but although her presence was comforting, it wasn't enough to break Sam's concerned thought loop.

"Am I just destined to be Lucifer's vessel?" Sam turned toward Jen with his question. She reached out and took his hands in hers.

"There is no destiny. Everything can be changed."

Jen's usual line. Tears filled Sam's eyes.

"It doesn't seem that way. He's right about me being so angry. Maybe I really was born that way, born to be evil. I've never been able to avoid it." Sam reached up and pushed the tears that were gathering around his eyes away. He took a deep, unsteady breath, trying to maintain his composure. Jen pulled her hands away from his and draped an arm around his shoulder.

"You were born like everyone else, a person. A person who makes decisions that aren't always the best ones, and a person who can't always control their more negative emotions. That's everyone, Sam. But, you are also a person who cares deeply for so many, another emotion you can't control, nor should you. And your choices always have the best intentions, if not the best outcomes, and intention is more important."

Sam leaned onto Jen's shoulder and quit trying to stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. "But good intentions don't stop people from dying."

"If there were a way to stop the bad guys from killing innocents, I wouldn't still be here trying to help the good guys solve that very problem."

Sam sniffed and rubbed his eyes again. Sometimes he hated being him. He didn't want to be angry, and sad, and scared, but he didn't know what to do. He glanced to Jen beside him, completely calm, as she always was. It made him wonder for a moment. "There's gotta be something I can do, something to be less angry. I mean, you're never angry, right?"

Jen chuckled at Sam. "Just because you haven't seen me angry doesn't mean it never happens. I have had a lot more time to learn to control my emotions, many thousands of years more time, but it's not always easy."

Jen paused for a moment. Sam waited. He was certain she had more to say, and he didn't want to break her thoughts. She so rarely spoke about herself, even now that they've known her true identity for a while.

"It was long ago, and I blamed Gabriel for it, but it wasn't his fault. We were together and away when the Catholics came to my village in Ireland, and they destroyed it. I was angry. I was so angry that I sent Gabriel away, and we never truly recovered. I also created a rainstorm that produced a massive flood that destroyed two nearby villages that the Catholics had converted. Then, I left. I couldn't believe what I had done."

Sam was in shock. He never expected to hear that from Jen. Jen, who always argued to preserve life, at any cost, had not just allowed, but caused death. Jen was still speaking.

"I have never told that to a mortal: human, demon, or Angel before. My kind know, but I was forgiven due to the circumstance, though it took me longer to forgive myself, and sometimes, I wonder if I am still trying. I take on these nearly impossible, very human, tasks because I know what it's like to feel like you, to lose control, and to feel regret."

Sam sat still, taking everything in. In some ways, he has always wanted to hear about Jen's faults. She seems so flawless that it can be aggravating. Still, if Jen can get angry enough to destroy two villages, what could Sam be capable of? And with a creature like Lucifer who simply shrugged at the death of humanity eyeing Sam as his next meatsuit, Sam felt like he really had cause to be concerned.

"But, what if I can't control it, can't keep saying no?" Tears filled Sam's eyes again. "I don't want to hurt people."

"The one thing I had never really learned about emotions back then was relying on others. Even between Gabriel and I, he relied on me, but I never let myself rely on him. When my world collapsed, I pushed him away and had no one to turn to. That was my greatest fault. What I do now is I make sure that others don't have to deal with things alone. I am there for them, and, in a way, everyone I work with is also there for me. It's the mutual reliance that makes it work. You can do anything ... with our help. With Dean, and Bobby, and me. We're here with you. You aren't in this alone."

"It's so hard not to feel alone, though. No one else has to make this decision, just me."

Jen interrupted Sam's thoughts as she began singing. He knew the song.

 _Mother cannot guide you, now you're on your own  
_ _No one here beside you, still you're not alone  
_ _No one is alone, truly, no one is alone_

Tears were sliding down Sam's cheeks again, but he managed to speak, barely. "You aren't going to let me win this one, are you?"

Jen paused. "You want to know what to do, this is it. Don't carry this burden by yourself. Trust in your brother, and me, and Bobby."

Sam sighed. "I guess I can try."

Jen reached to ruffle Sam's hair. "That's all I ever ask."

Sam reached his arms around Jen and squeezed her tightly. She switched to a gentle hum, and Sam shut his eyes and felt the sound push through him as his tears slowed. Maybe he could do this, with Jen's help.

"Just ... don't leave me." Sam whispered.

Jen nodded, tightening her arms around Sam for a moment. "I can always hear you, even when I can't respond right away."

Sam sat up, letting go of Jen. "Thanks."

Jen smiled at Sam, cupping his cheek briefly in her hand, and then slowly vanishing. Sam sat for a moment, in silence, alone. No, not alone. Never truly alone.

* * *

[Later]

The next evening, Sam was out like a light, and Dean was nursing his remaining half a bottle of whatever he was currently drinking. He almost didn't care what it was, so long as it was alcoholic and available. Jen appeared in the chair opposite Dean at the small table. Her expression was not welcoming.

"So, you had some interesting experiences in the hospital, didn't you?"

Dean shrugged and took another swig. "You heard the bitch: she enhances the crazy. I certainly never denied that I'm a bit crazy, but not that much."

Jen sighed. "Yes, but when your crazy side creates a pretty doctor to point out all the dangerous things you do, maybe it's more of a cry for help than an ordinary hallucination."

Dean shrugged again. "I don't need help."

Jen's eyes widened slightly. "You don't want help."

Dean pointed the open end of his bottle toward Jen. "That too." He took another drink.

Jen silently stared at Dean for a moment. Then she cocked her head slightly. "Are you at least going to share?"

Dean narrowed his eyes at her. "Are you going to steal my bottle?"

A half-smile crossed Jen's lips. "Maybe."

Dean sighed and handed Jen the bottle. She took a swig and then placed the bottle on the table between them. He reach for the bottle, but Jen grabbed his hand just before it got there.

"We still miss them, too, you know."

Fuck Jen. So what if he was still thinking about Jo? He didn't need her to bring it up. Tears stung at his eyes and he snatched his hand back quickly. It was getting old. He had cried every night that first week, late, in the dark. Only Jen knew. Dean still just couldn't lose his cool in front of Sam. Sam had enough trouble dealing with all this, and being stalked by the Devil, he didn't need any more reminders of the terrible shit they had to deal with. Now, though, Dean had enough crying. It didn't change anything or help anyone, and Sam did enough of that for both of them.

Jen, of course, had a different opinion on the subject. Dean looked over at Jen, sadness and compassion in her eyes. He knew that she wouldn't back down, and she only wanted to do whatever she could to help. Help. There was that word again. Dean let out a slow breath and reached his hand back out to where Jen's still rested on the table. She squeezed his hand quickly, but remained silent. Dean shut his eyes and leaned his head back. He felt Jen's strength, breathed into it, felt the sharp pain dull slightly.

Dean opened his eyes looked over at Jen. "I still don't know what to do, about anything."

Jen shrugged. "Just keeping doing what you do."

It wasn't much, but it was probably the best advice Dean could get right then, even if he didn't know what to do with it. For now, he just sat, holding Jen's hand, wondering what might happen next, knowing no one could possibly know.


	11. Swap Meat

Sam went to bed early, again. Okay, he'd been in some kid's body for a while, and that was probably tiring. Still, this grandfather sleeping habit bullshit was cramping Dean's style. He had to get out. He moved quietly, being certain not to wake his snoring brother. He headed out toward the Impala, and was surprised to see Jen leaning against the hood waiting for him.

"Look who finally joined the fun!" Dean smirked at Jen.

Jen's expressionless face watched Dean come toward her. "You aren't the only busy folks at the moment."

Dean wasn't sure if she was amused at his comment or annoyed by it. He decided to err on the side of caution. "Seriously, though, I get it. Just going to destress. You interested?"

Jen smiled. "Yeah, sounds great."

Dean smiled back at her, and they both found their seats in the Impala. Soon, they were sitting across each other at a booth in a dive bar with beers in hand, chatting and laughing. At a break in the conversation, Dean's expression changed slightly as a thought occurred to him.

"I don't get why Sam doesn't like to come out and chill like this. I mean, we are just having a good time. Right?" Dean looked to Jen for reassurance. He still couldn't get this last case out of his mind, and the kid who wasn't quite his brother.

Jen smiled at Dean. "Right."

Dean sat back and sighed. Now that he had brought it up again, the problems were back crowding his thoughts. It had been so much fun. Dean thought that Sam had some kind of breakthrough or something, but really, it wasn't even Sam. Dean felt the familiar tightness in his throat and eyes, but he wasn't going to do this now. He grabbed his beer and drank it down.

"How about some pool?" He smiled at Jen. He knew she wasn't fooled. She smiled back, clearly willing to let this go for now.

"Always."

The two played pool and drank for another hour or so before heading back to the motel. Dean hesitated just outside the door to his room.

"Yes, Dean?" Jen asked, anticipating as she always did.

Dean slowly put the key back in his pocket and looked over at Jen. "It's just ... with what happened and all, with that kid, and Sam ... and ... I just ..." He paused, trying to create a coherent thought. Tears crept into his eyes. Jen stepped toward him and reached out to grasp his hand. A tear slipped down his cheek. "Why do I feel so guilty?" He whispered as Jen pulled him close just in time for the tears to fall on her shoulder.

He wrapped his arms around Jen, squeezing tightly. For a few moments, in Jen's embrace, he just let go, something Dean was never very good at. This time, though, it was like all of this had been building up for weeks, maybe even months. He didn't want to be annoyed at Sam all the time, but Sam had just been so ... annoying. Then, this brief respite, but things went right back to what they were before. Dean didn't really know what he wanted, but he knew it wasn't the way things were. Still, Sam was his brother. The contradictions just racked up in Dean's brain making him cry harder.

Jen responded to his thoughts aloud. "You have both been through so much, more than any two brothers should have to. You have always been very different, that's one of your strengths as a team, but now, with the stress and responsibility, those differences just bleed into everything. You still love your brother, I know you do. So, he makes you a little nuts, isn't that what little brothers do?"

Dean sniffed, his tears slowing as he listened to Jen speak. "Yeah. I guess."

"Also, don't forget that unlike the boy in Sam's body, our Sam has Lucifer hanging over his head every moment. Even you don't know quite what that's like, and you know I can't tell you details, but I can tell you it isn't easy."

Dean took another breath and picked himself up, wiping a hand down his face. "You know, it's so weird. I mean, back in the day, Sam would actually have given anything for that kid's life. Family, school, all that stuff. Now though? I just don't like what's happened to my Sammy."

"He lives in a world where everything close to him dies. I don't think he necessarily means that he hates that life, he's just convinced himself that he can't have it."

Dean nodded. Jen was right, as always. Sometimes, Dean forgot everything Sam had been through, and that he dealt with it a bit differently than Dean.

"You still knew it wasn't Sam. Just because it took you a while to call him out, you still knew. You know your brother. You love your brother. He loves you."

Dean nodded again. His throat was tight, and tears stood in his eyes, but her words made sense to him. He understood. He still felt bad, but he understood.

Jen stepped toward Dean and took his hands. "Just stick by each other. You two can make it."

Dean smiled at Jen, as best he could. "I can do that."

Jen smiled back at Dean and dissolved into the night. He wondered for a moment what he would ever do without her. Then, he heard her voice in his head.

 _I'm always with you._

Dean let out a long breath and unlocked the door. He could do this.


	12. The Song Remains The Same

[The motel room]

Team Free Will, at least, the two standing members, toasted their newly formed resistance and the alcohol burned down Sam's throat. Dean was already pouring himself another, but Sam's mind was too busy to think about drinking. He couldn't get the images of his parents out of his head, especially Mom. Even though he had been too young to remember his mother, Sam had always felt a distinct bond with her since she died trying to protect him. He'd seen her spirit once, but it wasn't the same as having a conversation. And she was so young, and beautiful, and scared. Not scared for herself either, but for them, for what their lives were going to be.

Of course, she wouldn't remember it at all. Michael made sure of that. Still, Sam and Dean knew what happened. They were there. They had a chance to try and stop it, to save her, but they couldn't. It seemed no matter what, she had to die, and Sam had to live with that hole. They were so close this time. So close to changing it all.

"It can't change. The Angels may make it seem otherwise, but it's an illusion. You can't change the past, only the future."

Jen's voice was soft, but clear and definite. Sam felt her hand on his back as he noticed the tears in his eyes. She spoke once more.

"No one can go back and save her. She knew, though, before her spirit left this world, she knew it was for a purpose."

Now the tears began rolling down Sam's cheeks. It didn't matter to him why everything may or may not have happened. He lost his mother, twice, and right now, that was all that mattered. Jen seemed to realize this, and she reached up and wrapped her arms completely around Sam. For a moment, he remained still in Jen's embrace, and then he turned to her, burying his face in her shoulder allowing his body to shake in small sobs.

The silence in the room hung for a moment, until a gentle hum from Jen rang through Sam's ears. He was glad. It gave him something to focus on other than the pain, although, quickly, the exhaustion was also beginning to take over. As his tears dried, he shut his eyes still clinging to Jen, but feeling the heaviness of oncoming sleep trying to invade his thoughts.

Jen, as always, recognized what was happening and whispered in his ear, "Sleep, Sam," just before lifting him off of her and directing him toward the bed. Sam clutched the pillow tightly, curled up, and felt Jen pull a blanket up over him as he drifted off.

* * *

[Immediately Following]

Dean poured himself yet another drink as Jen tucked his brother into bed. She sat beside Sam for a moment, and then, with a sigh, stood up and walked over to Dean.

"He's out?" Dean whispered.

"Yes." Jen replied in a quiet, but normal tone.

Dean kicked back his drink and put the glass down. "It sucked, the first time. I remember that. The feeling that everything you did was useless but still thinking you could have done more."

Dean sighed and leaned back against the wall as he continued. "I felt bad for him, too. You should have seen him looking at Mom. It was like, I don't know, everything he never had."

Jen was watching Dean as he spoke with an interesting, unreadable expression. Then she spoke quietly.

"I did see him."

Dean was startled, to say the least. He stood straight, and his eyes widened as he looked at Jen.

"You what? I thought you couldn't travel back in time."

"I can't … because I was already there." Dean kept staring, no words coming to him. Jen continued. "I told you before, I was assigned after Azazel's appearance. Now, I hadn't fully integrated myself, and I was juggling multiple obligations, but I was often watching, as I was when you turned up. I saw it all, though I wasn't permitted to participate."

Dean put his hands up toward Jen, a sudden rush of thoughts about this new information trying to all get out at once. "Wait just a second. So, you knew about this before we went back in time?"

Jen nodded. "Time is unchangeable. Everything that happened already happened."

Dean shook his head. "Goddamn it with the riddles. Why didn't you say something?"

Jen cocked her head slightly at Dean and gave him a sad look. He didn't wait for a response, but jumped back in as he realized. "Of course, no interference." Jen nodded again. "At least you knew we'd make it back."

"Yes, I knew that."

"And you knew nothing would change."

"Correct."

"Fuck."

Now, feeling defeated again himself, he leaned back against the wall, eyes shut. "I don't think we can do it. I mean, I 'Team Free Will'? Who the fuck do we think we are?"

Dean felt Jen's hand gently rub his shoulder. He opened his eyes and looked at her, questioning. She responded.

"If anyone can stop this, it's you two."

Dean sighed. That was a guarded statement from Jen, and she knew that he realized that. Still, it meant that she had confidence in them, which was more than Dean had. He turned to Jen, wrapping his arms around her, and she reciprocated. Tears filled his eyes, and he squeezed Jen tightly as they began to slide down his cheeks. A sob broke on her shoulder, and he felt her hand gently ruffle through his hair, holding him toward her. Everything rushed back at him: his mom and dad, the Angels, dying and being resurrected, and the continued feeling that he couldn't change any of it. He sobbed hard while Jen softly whispered in his ear, "You can do this, Dean. You can." He tried to believe her. He tried.

After some time, the sobbing slowed, and Dean could get himself back to a place where he was in control, more or less. When he finally pulled himself back to standing upright, he wiped the remaining tears off his cheeks, and Jen stood looking at him. Her expression seemed at the same time sad and hopeful. Dean always wondered how she could do that. She smiled gently at him.

"Practice."

Sometimes, he forgot she was listening.

"Get some sleep, Dean."

Jen nodded to the bed where Sam was scrunched over onto one side. Dean glanced over to the other bed and was reminded of their broken angel, still sprawled across it.

He shrugged. "I guess I could share the bed with Sasquatch. It's not like I haven't done it before."

Dean headed toward the bed, and he turned to look back toward Jen. She was sitting in a chair, calmly watching. He knew she wouldn't go anywhere.


	13. 99 Problems

Jen appeared on the porch just as Dean stepped off of it.

"You are going, aren't you?" She spoke. Dean paused and turned around.

"Yes, and I can't have Sam following me." Dean responded as he took a couple of steps back toward Jen and then closed his mind to her.

"So, you're kicking me out." Dean's expression was sad, but he didn't respond. Jen continued. "Be careful."

"Just ..." Dean paused and swallowed hard. "Stay with Sam. Keep him away from Lucifer. And keep an eye on Cas. We're, like, the only friends he has."

"I will." Jen reached toward Dean, but he pulled away and headed back toward the car. His eyes remained on Jen until he ducked into the car and started the engine.

As Dean pulled away in the Impala, Sam came running out onto the porch, shouting. "Dammit! Dean! DEAN!"

It was too late. Dean was gone. Sam turned to Jen. "How could you let him go?" She could see Sam's outrage, but she remained perfectly calm as she turned to him.

"I couldn't have stopped him."

Tears filled Sam's eyes. "Can you at least tell me where he's going?"

Jen shook her head. "He's closed himself from me. Even if I would tell you, I don't know."

"Fuck." Sam paced back and forth and ran his hand through his hair. "Where would he go? Where would Dean go?" Sam sank down on the steps, head in his hands. Then he suddenly looked up at Jen, his eyes wide and fear obvious even without her feeling the emotion. "You don't think he'll just say 'yes' right away? Do you?"

Jen shook her head. "No. Dean will take his time. He'll sort things out. He'll leave things for you and Bobby."

"He'll say his goodbyes." Sam muttered along with Jen. She could see the wheels in his head spinning and heard the quick string of thoughts that led Sam to his lightbulb.

"Of course, Lisa!" Sam jumped back to his feet. "Who else would Dean feel compelled to say goodbye to! He'll go to Lisa."

Jen smiled. "I bet you're right."

"A car, I have to get a car." Sam ran back inside. Jen watched him go, but then vanished. Sam had this. There wasn't much else for her to do except follow.


	14. Point Of No Return

"How's he doing?" Bobby asked. Sam could barely speak so he just shrugged.

"How're you doing?" Bobby's second question nearly broke Sam right there. After what Dean had just said to him, Sam didn't know what he felt, but he knew it wasn't good. Cas brushed past him and headed downstairs again. Jen appeared out of nowhere in front of Sam and wrapped her arms around him. The tears that had been holding in Sam's eyes since he was downstairs listening to those hurtful things fell down his cheeks, and he looped his arms around Jen holding her tightly.

 _How could he say that to me? How could he?_

There was silence for a moment from Jen. Sam wasn't sure what that meant. Then he finally heard her voice inside his head.

 _Dean's being very avoidant right now. I don't know if he's speaking the truth or if he's saying things that he thinks will make it easier for you if he does say "yes". I suspect the latter. Dean wants you to feel detached, not to fight for him._

 _Can't he do that without making me feel like a loser?_

 _This is your big brother you are talking about. What do you think?_

No, of course not. That simply wasn't in Dean's nature. However, the way Jen said that, Sam could tell she meant that Dean tries to do the right thing, even though he mostly sucks at it, and Sam knew that.

 _For what it's worth, I don't agree with Dean at all. Yes, you've been manipulated a few times, but just to be clear, so has he. You're not just going to give in. I know you, Sam. You really are stronger than that._

Jen's words were clear and confident in Sam's head, and he put as much faith into them as he could. Still, that wasn't his only concern.

 _What about Dean? Will he really say yes?_

 _Think about your brother. You know what he cares about and how he thinks. Do you really believe he'll say "yes"?_

Sam thought this over. His brother was certainly known for sacrificing himself for the good of his family, but he knew the consequences this time, and they were bigger than anything before. No, he didn't think Dean would just say yes. At least, he hoped. He heard Jen once more.

 _You're both stronger than you think._

With Sam's tears dried, and his composure returned, he looked at Jen. "I'm just going to go see him again. Okay?"

Jen nodded, and Sam headed downstairs. When he saw the open door, a wave of panic rushed over him. "Dean!?" He looked inside the room and saw the angel banishing symbol. "Dean!"

* * *

[Later]

It was late, the boys were tired, and they finally had come to the conclusion that they weren't going to make it back to Bobby's that evening. They pulled off into a crummy little motel and got a room.

"At least it's clean." Dean mumbled as they entered.

"The parts you can see, anyway." Sam tossed out with raised eyebrows. He wasn't overly thrilled with the grungy place, but Dean wanted a bed, so this is what they got.

"Shut up and pick then, Sasquatch." Dean did a quick Vanna White wave around. That was silly, Sam still always took the bed farthest from the door. He didn't get why Dean even asked. Maybe this was more of that not needing to protect his little brother anymore stuff from earlier. Whatever. Sam was tired. He just hoped that he could shoo away all the crap in his head long enough to sleep.

Sam kicked off his shoes and lay down on the bed. After some adjustments, and pulling most of the blankets completely apart, he finally found a position in which he was somewhat comfortable. Dean was just sitting on his bed watching television. Maybe that's what Dean wanted, not a bed, a distraction. Sam knew that both of them had been thinking about Adam almost nonstop since they escaped without him. He also knew that Dean blamed himself, at least somewhat, for not being able to save both of his brothers.

Adam, and there it was again. The same terrible feeling in the pit of Sam's stomach. He was starting to think that this time might be worse than the last. The last time, they never actually got to meet Adam because it turned out he was dead already. Although the Ghoul could read his memories, they weren't sure how much of the stories it told were true. This time, they got to actually meet and talk to their brother. Of course, Zachariah had practically already turned him against them, but still, Adam was family. You don't leave family behind, and that was exactly what happened.

Now the pit in Sam's stomach was inching it's way up into his throat and tears burned into his eyes. He curled up tightly on the bed, facing away from Dean. The room was dark except for the glow of the television. A tear tracked down Sam's cheek onto his nose and then fell onto the pillow. Almost immediately he felt a gentle touch brushing his hair back behind his ears.

With Jen beside him, more tears quickly followed the one. Jen gently squeezed Sam's shoulder with one hand and slid her fingers through his hair with the other one. She was silent, which was fine, there really wasn't anything to say. The only thing Sam wanted was not to draw Dean's attention, and he knew that Jen could hear that minor request. She must have been helping as well, since Sam couldn't stop crying, but he was able to stay just in control enough not let loose an errant breath or sob. The tears he brushed away occasionally with his hand and rubbed his face into the pillow. After a few minutes or so, he heard a soft "shhhh" inside his head, and he started feeling heavy and tired. His tears slowed as sleep began to overtake him. He did manage to mouth a clear "thank you" before finally drifting off. The last thing he remembered was a soft reply.

"Anytime."

* * *

[Immediately]

Dean knew Jen was over by Sam, even if he could only barely see her. He just kept watching whatever was on the tv. He didn't want to think about Sammy lying over there crying anyway. He was having a hard enough time keeping it together himself.

After a while, Jen stood up and turned toward Dean. He clicked the television off and darkness settled into the room. Jen sat beside Dean as he pulled his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around them.

"He's asleep?" Dean's voice was just above a whisper.

"Yes, and he'll stay that way for a while at least." Jen spoke at a similar volume, and answered Dean's unspoken question.

Dean looked down. "I wish he wouldn't do that. It wasn't his fault or anything; it was mine." Tears started to creep into Dean's eyes and he swallowed down a lump in his throat. "I should have gotten him. Adam was family. You don't leave family behind!"

Dean nearly choked on the last word as the tears that were pooling in his eyes slid down his cheeks. He wiped his cheeks on his arms though the tears kept coming. He felt Jen lean in toward him and wrap her arm around his shoulder. A sob caught in his throat as he fell toward Jen, and she caught him with both arms wrapped tightly around him. He pressed his head into her shoulder and she let her head touch gently to the top of Dean's while she held him.

 _You didn't really have a choice. Zachariah knew that. He planned it that way._

 _Zach was a dick. Angels are dicks. Because of them we lost Adam, again, and we don't know where Cas is._

 _Cas will find his way back. He always does._

 _You are too damn optimistic._

 _Someone has to be._

Dean knew that she was right. If Jen started to lose her faith in them, fuck knows what might happen. Dean maybe didn't feel quite as hopeless as he did a few days before as he was on the verge of saying "yes", but he still couldn't see how they could defeat Lucifer.

Dean wasn't sobbing anymore, but the tears were continuing to fall despite any of his efforts to stop. Then, Jen, in her usual fashion, began to sing. It felt like it had been ages since he'd heard her sing, since Jo and Ellen ... no. He didn't want to think about more people they lost. He didn't want to think about anything, so he just listened.

 _Go ahead, push your luck, find out how much love the world can hold_  
 _Once upon a time I had control, and reined my soul in tight_  
 _Well the whole truth, it's like the story of a wave unfurled, but I held the evil of the world_  
 _So I stopped the tide, froze it up from inside_  
 _And it felt like a winter machine that you go through and then_  
 _You catch your breath and winter starts again, and everyone else is spring bound_  
 _And when I chose to live, there was no joy it's just a line I crossed_  
 _I wasn't worth the pain my death would cost, so I was not lost or found_

Eventually, Dean drifted off to sleep, still lost in the music. Somewhere in the back of his mind, though, there was the tiniest thought, it whispered, "Maybe we can do this."

Maybe they could.


	15. Hammer of the Gods

[The Impala]

Gabriel was still thinking over what Dean had said when Jen appeared beside him.

"Dean once thought he might have to kill Sam. He couldn't do it either."

"It's not like Sam was actually threatening the world. The stakes are just a little bit higher." Gabriel pinched his fingers nearly together as he scowled at Jen. She reached out and brushed his hair from where it had slid forward back behind his ear, letting her hand linger against his temple.

"Which is why you are considering it. We, the world, the humans, even the worst of my family in there, are truly important to you."

Gabriel turned to look at Jen. Tears filled his eyes. He could play silly and sarcastic around Dean, but not his beloved Jen. Still, he raised his eyebrows and tried to smile.

"I guess they are." Gabriel met Jen's gaze for a moment, then he turned away shaking his head gently from her touch. "This choice is bullshit. Them or my brother? I may not have been to family brunch in a few thousand years, but still." He looked back at Jen. Her gaze bored through him. Even though they could never actually read each other's minds, she always seemed to understand him. She could always see through the pranks. "You know, that nonsense with Kali was just for show. She was just a rebound. There's nobody in Heaven or on Earth that can compare with you."

Jen smiled at Gabriel. Then she leaned forward and touched his lips with hers for a gentle kiss. He leaned forward again as she pulled back, but she put her hand to his cheek and held him off.

"You know what I always loved about you?"

"My dastardly good looks and irresistible charm?"

Jen's smile widened. "You always cared. You really do care about Kali as much as you care about the boys as much as you care about me. You play games with them to help them find their better selves. You may take it too far, but really, you do care about people, and you like them. You don't want to see them destroyed the way Lucifer does."

Jen's direct reference to his brother hit Gabriel hard, and he had to look away, blinking back tears yet again. Jen dropped her hand, but kept speaking.

"You and I both know when you asked the boys to play their roles that it was because you saw that fight as the lesser of two evils, some destruction, but not all. We believe that there is another way, though, and that it doesn't involve losing the human race. There are other ways to fight Lucifer. You know that. You can help them."

Gabriel knew that she was right. He knew that he couldn't sit here and watch even this slaughter. There were other options, just not ones that were in his favor. His voice was quiet as he tried to maintain his composure.

"You know, if I challenge him, one of us isn't going to get out of there alive, and it might not be him." Gabriel lifted his head toward Jen, and he could see that she too had tears in her eyes. Not a common sight for Jen. She nodded slowly.

"I know. Still, it is the best chance they have right now."

"Okay." Gabriel switched back to trickster mode and laughed loudly, shaking off the wetness in his eyes and the tightness in his throat. "Okay, you got me. I'll go. I will fight my brother. It will be epic!"

He turned once more to Jen and reached out to wrap his hand around her head, pulling her toward him. He gazed into her eyes one final time.

"I love you."

"And I, you."

He pressed his lips against hers in a deep kiss, and she fully reciprocated, reminding him of their lives long ago. Still, it didn't work then, and it wouldn't work now. Before, she was the one who had to leave, to fight for those who couldn't fight for themselves. This time, it was him. He pulled back, flashed a smile at Jen once more, and then vanished. He had people to save, after all.

* * *

[Later, in a field, outside the Impala]

Sam shut the laptop, and both him and Dean were quiet for a moment, letting Gabriel's words sink in. Then, the same idea reached them both at once, and they looked at each other. Sam finally spoke aloud the question they were both thinking. "What about Jen?"

"I know."

Her voice from behind them spoke quietly. They spun around quickly, and Dean watched Jen's expression carefully. She appeared composed as always, but with a deep sadness emanating from her. She continued with an obviously forced half smile. "Who do you think convinced him to finally go after Lucifer."

Dean couldn't imagine what Jen must be feeling. She and Gabriel had known each other for thousands of years and she had admitted herself that at least part of her was still in love with him. This was no time for Jen's usual solid composure, and Hell if Dean was going to let her do that. With everything she had done for them, he wasn't going to just leave her in pain. He walked toward Jen slowly.

"We're so sorry."

Jen shook her head at Dean and kept her hands folded behind her. Her stance was clearly trying to separate herself. "I lost Gabriel long ago."

Dean ignored her refusal and her supposedly composed stance. He knew better. He walked straight up to her, and she didn't move away.

"You have always been there for us, let us be here for you, for once."

When Dean reached Jen, he wrapped his arms around her, and he felt her grip around him tighter than he had expected. He knew that Jen needed them. She was always telling them that they shouldn't deal with things alone, and this was clearly something that she shouldn't be dealing with by herself.

 _I've taught you well_.

Jen's voice echoed inside Dean's head. For a moment the two stood still, linked together. Then, Dean felt Jen start to shake against him as tears slid down her cheeks.

The next thing Dean felt was a droplet of water splash against his head. He looked up and saw the sky above them had suddenly darkened as raindrops began to fall.

 _I'm sorry._

Dean looked at Jen for a moment, and he realized that she wasn't apologizing for crying, but for the rain. As the drops fell more rapidly, Jen's tears turned into small sobs. In a way, Dean was in awe at Jen's connection to the world, something he had never experienced before since she keeps whatever powers she has to herself most of the time. However, apparently nothing, neither powers nor millennia of existence, changed the very basic fact that it hurts to lose someone you love.

"Don't be sorry." Dean replied, echoing Jen's typical words to him. "You never need to be sorry."

Jen had soon stopped sobbing and became still in Dean's embrace. The rain stopped and the sun came out, drying out the trio. When Jen finally stepped back from Dean, she was her usual, fully composed self again. She reached up and leaned forward to kiss Dean on the cheek.

"Thank you."

Jen walked past Dean and was nearly swept up in a hug by Sam.

"The rain ... was you?" Sam asked cautiously as he released her.

Jen smiled and shrugged at Sam. "I have a connection with water."

Sam was still giving a Jen a look that Dean couldn't place. Jen took Sam's hands and looked up at him. "We'll both be alright, Sam." She smiled at Sam, and he managed a smile and nod in return.

Jen stepped back and looked at both boys. "Thank you both, again, but I should go. Contrary to popular belief, I do have other friends, and," she paused, staring wistfully out at the open field, "I think I will visit my home. Don't worry, I will still hear you if you call."

Jen smiled once more and then vanished.

Dean looked over at Sam. Sam nodded at him, and the headed to their respective spots in the Impala. They knew their mission. They knew where they were going. They didn't need to talk about it all anymore. There was really nothing left to say.


End file.
